Last night, I went to see the movie Black Swan.

A quick aside: Y’all may not know this about me, but I am a movie fanatic. No, really… I am one of those die-hard movie snobs that can name actors, recite what roles they have played in other movies, and connect them to OTHER actors in four movies or less. It’s sickening.

But I digress. The movie was phenomenal. Beautifully done… and the main character’s journey inspired a post.

Without giving the movie away (as I HATE when people do that), the main character has to go through a major transformation. The people around her, although they publicly cheer her on, truly want her to stay the same. This creates major conflict within her – do I remain the person I’ve been for years, or do I change?

Weight loss is like that. I remember thinking at the beginning of this whole thing that I have no idea what I would look like at a size 8. What does 100 lbs less of me look like? Feel like? Walk like? The 271-pound girl was scared of showing herself. She was scared of men, scared of her sexuality, scared of attention of any kind. The girl I want to be… the WOMAN I want to be is in there under all the fast-food, but I was too much of a pussy to let her out. What if she ruins my life? What if she gets all sassy or promiscuous or conceited? What if she gets too muscular or too thin or too obsessed…

See how the old me can spin fear like no one’s business?

The truth is, the old me was trying to kill the new me. It’s easier to hide behind the weight and the food than to actually, ACTUALLY make the required lifestyle changes to be something different. If I take the time to dissect all of my old excuses (conscious and subconcious) for not losing weight, it’s just noise. It’s total bullshit. And there may be people around me that prefer me fat. It validates their behavior, it makes them comfortable, or they may find me more attractive with poundage. It doesn’t matter – whether it’s their reasons or my own, it’s all crapola of the lowest caliber.

So, for me, the next part of the journey is entitled, “Killing the Old Carla”. It’s about me being more conscious than ever before and actually doing the exact opposite of what The Old Carla would do. Too lazy to workout? Fuck you, Old Carla! We’re in the gym or on the rebounder or Pressing Play RIGHT NOW! Anything to get that heart rate pumping! Feeling emotional and want to chow down on some Super-Sized french fries? Kick rocks, Old Carla! Let’s breathe and explore this feeling! Let’s stop, journal, meditate… something to fully feel and understand what’s happening! Friends invite you out to eat, and you think it’s an excuse to drink up and chow down? Hell to the Naw, TOC! Alcohol is empty calories! You get tasty water with lemon, and hey… that broiled salmon looks DELICIOUS!

It’s all about The New Carla. She has decided to lead the way.