I have the book, Women, Food & God at home, but I haven’t picked it up yet. I heard from a second-hand source that it’s all about food addiction, so I am eager to read it to see if I’ll be able to pick up some pointers. I believe I am/was/am addicted to food, and I need to get over this.

I know that I WAS addicted to food when I first started this whole thing. I remember clearly the feeling of trying to fight the food urge, and the simultaneous feeling of relief and shame when I gave in to McDonald’s or Baja Fresh or Wendy’s. I hated that feeling. It made me ashamed of myself. Since beginning this program, there has been so much less of that, as clean eating makes me feel wonderfully guilt-free. Even the strict 500-cal HCG plan makes me feel great, because it’s a means to an end. But when I have a cheat day, the guilt and angst return.

This feeling comes up in me for three reasons – first, I was way off my eating this weekend. Second, my family, albeit supportive generally, has started making “comments” about my eating lately. Third, I’m worried about Thanksgiving. Really worried.

Let’s tackle ’em one by one.

After the 5K this weekend, I had Popeye’s chicken and fries. I was STARVING after the walk, and was ill-prepared, food-wise, for all the time that public transportation took to get anywhere. By the time we hit the Popeye’s, “fuck it” was my general attitude. PLUS, I just came on my cycle, which I know didn’t help my hunger pangs or attitude. Sunday, the cramps and the home-alones didn’t help the situation any. When I weighed having broiled tilapia against delivered pizza, the pizza won out. I did better than expected, having a small pizza and drinking a gallon of water instead of a larger pie with some sugary drink, but excuses, excuses. Over the course of the day, I had the pizza. It was delicious, yeah, but the after-guilt is kicking my ass.

My family has started making small comments about my eating. I am not a fan of this turn, people… not a fan at all. They are giddy over my weight loss, but when I say I can’t eat this or that, I’m starting to get the rolled eyes and the snide comments. I mean, what the fuck? When did this happen? Maybe it’s getting to me more because I’m mid-cycle short-fusing, but still. I dread the whole “we have to have a conversation about this” feeling that’s coming up in me. I mean, we HAVE talked about this. They should just be supportive, period. No one likes when I go all hermit-like, but I will in a heartbeat to avoid any bullshit.

And that brings up Thanksgiving. I have a small family, and we LOVE to relax, break out a board game, put the DVDs into rotation, and eat some great food. My aunt makes a 7-Up cake that will make you smack somebody, and the rest of the Thanksgiving eats are equally scrumptious. We’re not a “junk food” Turkey Day crowd, but there is plenty of hummus and crackers, mushroom soup, my world-famous collards (made with olive oil and plenty o’ seasonings), etc.

None of which is on the HCG program.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to derail my success thus far, but I also don’t want to hear my family’s collective mouth if I don’t eat or bring something else to eat. I mean, I know people reading this will say to go ahead and have the damn food, just don’t go overboard. I hear and appreciate that, but especially after eating this weekend, do I do it? I’m driving myself crazy with all this fucking food thinking!

Which brings me back to the food addiction thing. This is why I think I’m still there… I think about food WAY too much. It’s really bothering me. Many people could just have a day with their families, eat the damn food, and then get back on track the next day. Why am I freaking out about this so badly? I think it’s because of the fact that I thought about food so much this weekend – when my day is quiet, that’s when the food shit comes up in me. When I’m busy, it’s not a problem. But downtime sucks. SUCKS! it hit me like a freight train, too. Caught me completely off-guard, because I haven’t been hungry at all during the HCG. There’s all this stuff about HCG and your period, but I ignored it. DAMN!

I am trying to relax about this, but I’m freaking out a bit. What I want is to keep going. This is the smallest I have been in about 2 years. I do NOT want to fuck this up.