Today is the official beginning of the 45-day annual food orgy at my office. That’s right, friends and neighbors… it’s time for the company-wide Thanksgiving Potluck. Each year, my company provides the turkey day staples (turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce), and all the employees are encouraged to bring the rest of the dishes. Everyone can bring whatever they want – desserts, sides, salads, etc. – and the potluck itself lasts about 4 hours in our main lobby.


Last year was the first time I went. I walked in, waddled out. I think I had three, maybe four plates (because people are encouraged – GOADED, I tell you – into eating as much as they can), and I don’t think there was a vegetable on any one of them. The amount of food they have is nothing short of staggering – from pumpkin spice cake to beer-soaked meatballs to mint liqueur brownies to 6-cheese macaroni bake. It goes on forever, and you can see people’s waists expanding and arteries clogging with every bite.

I think I gained about 20 pounds last year, just between October and the end of January. The people at my company are so friggin’ FOOD FOCUSED. It’s ridiculous! Knowing that I am moving away from that type of thinking (and keeping away from anything that expands my waistline), I am boycotting the potluck. I’m not going anywhere near the 9th floor. You can forget it… not even thinking about getting sucked into the vortex.

My direct co-workers already know that I’m not playing the game this year. The guy who sits next to me beams at his crockpot and says, “Carla… guess what I have in here!”

Me: “Guessing it’s not some clean, holistic deliciousness that will enrich the health and lives of your teammates….”

Him: “Nope! It’s bacon-wrapped sausage in a brown-sugar glaze!”

All I can do is stare. I have no response.

See what I mean? FOOD ORGY. These people are insane.

Fast forward a couple of hours and the food orgy is over, thank Christ. But as I was talking to a couple of people about it in the kitchen, I mentioned that I didn’t go. One girl says, “why not?”

Instead of launching into a full-fledged soliloquy, I simply came back with “It’s not on the plan”.

Of course she asked me about the plan.

NOTE: I don’t go into “the plan” with many people. It’s none of their business. I said, “fresh veggies, fresh fruit, whole grains, protein. That’s what I eat.”

She then proceeds to BEAT ME UP because I choose not to indulge over the holidays! I shit you not, people… I have bruises from the fucking tongue-lashing I just experienced! I was surprised at her level of aggression about this topic! She went ON AND ON about how the holidays are the time to eat all the wrong foods, and January is when you reset and begin eating well. How dare I skip this feast ‘o plenty?!?!?! This went on for at least 15 minutes. I just stood there watching her spew in utter amazement and with complete fascination. I couldn’t believe her passion regarding holiday pastries and candy cane-flavored snickerdoodles. I had to back out of the kitchen slowly, nodding and smiling as I went, carfeul not to meet her wild-eyed gaze too often.

She has issues. There’s nothing else for me to say.