There’s this girl who lives in my house now, and I have no idea who she is or exactly when she got here. I think it was sometime within the last two months; she must have moved her stuff in while I was at work one day… although her stuff looks a lot like mine. 

This girl eats right. It’s sickening! She is FOREVER in my kitchen, banging pots and pans, and filling my fridge with all this food I don’t recognize. WTH? Grape tomatoes? Bell peppers? Lentils? What the frick and frack is “quinoa”? And she eats cottage cheese! I HATE cottage cheese (don’t I?)! There’s no room for my usual stuff! Wait – she moved my junk food! Where’s my sugar? Where are my two-bite brownies? Where’s the stuff I used to make fried chicken? All there is to eat is this “clean” crap and nothing to drink but water!

I can’t even escape her by eating the cafeteria food at work! She keeps hijacking my wallet and replacing it with this stupid Cooler!

What’s even worse is that she is always in my way! When I wake up, she’s in my space doing lunges and pushups and waving weights around. All I want to do is sleep, and this heifer is up at 5:00 AM! SWEATING! If that isn’t bad enough, now she’s started working out after work, too! Twice a day??? Come on now! Can’t I just come in after work, sit down with my McDonald’s meal and let the TV wash over my comatose frame like I used to? Isn’t America all about freedom?

She’s so mouthy, pushy and stubborn… she won’t let me give into my cravings for junk! When I want a greasy hamburger and fries, she has the NERVE to tell me no! How dare she?!?!? She spouts some nonsense about eating “clean” and nutrition being 80% of the battle, yadda yadda yadda… and yeah, she’s looking pretty good and obviously feeling great, but dagnabit! Can’t I get a little break from all this HEALTH? 

I just don’t know this bitch at all.