Why Do We Always Feel Like We’re Doing It Wrong?

Fuck the “day countdown”. I’m just raw. Period. However…

I never used to be a YouTube watcher. I mean, every once in awhile when someone would throw me a video link or something, but one of those people that would watch videos every day? Not me at all. Not even when I went natural did I succumb to what Tyra Banks referred to as “hair porn” – all the “how-to” natural video channels on YT. I appreciate them being there and all, but I just didn’t feel the need to scour. Since I went raw, however, I have been skulking around a few YT channels for information, information, and MORE information. I have fallen in love with liferegenerator’s “bad boy of raw food” channel and his no-nonsense take on raw foods, spirituality and fitness. Karen Knowler has GREAT recipes and a four-part raw food beginner video series. I also tune into the Raw Radience channel (although I sometimes am annoyed with the way this chick talks). Needless to say, I’m ODing on raw food info.

The one thing all this info does, however, is make you doubt yourself. I found myself questioning my current raw path after watching a series of videos last night, and it’s the place everyone on a “diet” finds themselves eventually. It’s that little voice in the back of your head that whispers, “Am I doing this right?”. I mean, I have this little mini travel blender, but I don’t have a Vitamix. I don’t own a juicer. Am I getting enough vegetables? Am I eating too much fruit? Should I be sprouting? What about making my own nut milk? OMG, what if I go out on a date? Is he going to look at me as what Eddie Murphy coined as “one of those salad-eatin’ bitches”? Do I need to go “gourmet raw”? am I getting enough variety in my diet? Am I eating too much? Am I eating too LITTLE? I’m not hungry… is that NORMAL???

Breathe, chick. Just breathe. I mean, damn. That’s how fast we can go down the spiral.

In the midst of this spin, another voice pops up and asks, “why do you always think you’re doing something WRONG? I mean, how do you FEEL?” This is the voice I listen to, thank God. I take a quick inventory: I feel good. Thinking, breathing… all clear. My body feels good. I don’t feel heavy or sleepy after eating. I’m not hungry at all. I eat when I feel like it, and I eat a good mix of veggies, fruits, and superfoods (the latter mostly in my daily smoothie). Since committing to raw and coming back from travel, I’ve lost 4.8 lbs (in 4 days). I’m drinking green tea and water.

What’s wrong with that? Survey says… nothing.

In the future, I’m sure I’ll get a better blender. I’ll invest in a Vitamix and a good juicer, but right now, my little mini travel blender will do the trick. I’ll learn to make different foods, but right now, experimenting with new raw veggies and fruits and incorporating them with my old standards is fine. I don’t need to sprout or make my own nut milk now… that’s a later thing (when I have a kitchen with more space!). I eat a good balance of fruits and veggies. I eat when I’m hungry. I eat until I’m satisfied (which is much less than before). I’m content.

I’m good for now. I’m doing what’s right for me.

Day 1: My First Raw Day

I decided to reset the clock and chronicle this new journey.

I made the decision to go raw less than a week ago, and have been pretty happy with the transition. I have had some cooked food during the week – California Pizza Kitchen makes a KICK ASS roasted vegetable salad, people! – but have still remained vegan and not consciously had any meat or dairy. Feeling good, feeling clear… but I know what’s about to happen.

Duh duh duh DUHHHH…. DETOX.

It’s already started. Today is Sunday (Easter), and the first day in what feels like forever that I have had the opportunity to just CHILL. I’ve been running like a field slave for weeks, and to just sit in my own spot, rest and relax feels like bliss. I even slept late, which is unheard of for me. In that spirit, I’m just relaxing and listening to my body. I’m not force-feeding food, I’m eating when I’m hungry. So far, I’ve had an awesome green smoothie (spring water, spinach, strawberry, kiwi, and Amazing Greens’ Raw Reserve Superfood powder) and some water. That was about 3 hours ago, and I’m not yet hungry. I am, however, feeling a little headachy, and my skin has broken out this week. My skin NEVER breaks out, people. NEVER. My vanity is pitching a fit, but my sensible side knows what it’s all about and accepts it as part of the process.

So, why am I doing this? Why is this person who has been admittedly addicted to french fries and believes Five Guys has the best burger on planet Earth going raw vegan? I mean… really, Carla?

Two words: ENERGY and VANITY.

I just began a new job in an old field – I am back to corporate training, which I adore. It’s primarily classroom training – between two and five days of systems and software training for new hires. I’m as giddy as a fat boy with a new ice cream cone about it, but I also know that I am WAYYYYYYYYYYY out of “training shape”. In order to keep the energy of a classroom for a day (or five!) up to levels where the class can learn, focus, and remain engaged, you have got to have the energy and clarity to do it. After lots of research and experimentation, I know that I can be the best trainer that I can be and keep that level of energy if I’m raw vegan. The energy that I can tap into will be accessible to me in a way that wouldn’t be possible if I was eating meat. My body’s not so busy digesting that it can’t give me two more hours of energy when I need it. I realized when I got the job that I would need to make a major change. I would need to do what I can to get hyped and STAY hyped all day long. There’s nothing more excrutiating than to have to sit through eight hours of software training with a boring-ass teacher that yawns all day. That will NOT be me.

And then there’s vanity. Yes, I want to lose weight. Yes, I want to be HOT. Yes, I want to look great naked (from all angles). Yes, I want to feel and look amazing. And yes, I think that going raw will give me all those things in a short amount of time. That’s why.

Message is still the same; wishin’ ain’t doin’. Wishin’ I was healthy, energetic and hot looking doesn’t make it so. I have to actually DO it. Change the eating, change the mindset, change the body, change the life.

Day 164: 9 Weeks Until…. Duh Duh DUHHHHHHH!

I was talking to Sylvia the other night about dresses. We had gone to the fabric store and seen some absolutely gorgeous jersey knit in tons of colors and patterns, and we both drooled profusely while trying to come up with ideas about what to do with it. I, of course, immediately think wrap dress.

The wrap dress is the perfect invention. Flatters all figures, it’s easy to accessorize, it can be dressed up or down, and travels well. Being the consumate Virgo (and being influenced by all the damn fabric), I have planned to make about 20-30 of these puppies to get me through the spring and early summer (when you have a schedule like mine, you need to figure out how to make things as simple as possible). But then, I had to stop and think about what I just thought about….

Spring. Spring is coming. That means less clothes. Soon. Holy shit.

I have always had a love/hate relationship with warmer weather. First of all, I can never seem to make the transition smoothly – I’m always either dressed too warm or not warm enough. Secondly, there’s all that skin shown. I love the fact that Spring is so damn gorgeous, but am I physically ready for it?

I know I’m spinning kind of early, but the realization that warmer weather is (at most) 9 weeks away lights a new fire under my ass to keep going with the clean eating and exercise. I will NOT be dressed like Nanook of the North this summer… I will flaunt my beautiful new body in ways that I never have before!

I need to get on the ball.

Day 161: Chicken Lentil Veggie Soup

OMG! I made THE most delicious soup this weekend!

I had made a chicken vegetable soup before, and had thrown in some leftover lentils as an afterthought to get some added protein. It came out pretty good, but I had already marinated the lentils in turmeric and spices, so the soup ended up having a bite I wasn’t exactly crazy about. This time, I soaked lentils and barley in vegetable broth prior to adding the rest of the ingredients (another mistake I made last time – adding dry barley with everything else. Those babies soak up every inch of moisture!).

I’m an “everything but the kitchen sink” kinda cooker, especially when it comes to making soup. I want something that’s going to be clean, hearty, and give me all the requirements of a meal… and I also want to clear the fridge of food that’s even thinking about going bad. So, using vegetable broth as my base, I threw in diced raw chicken breast, raw diced collards, celery, onion, a shitload of mushrooms (I use dried mushrooms of all varieties), the lentils and barley, garlic, wild rice, peas, carrots, and tons of spices. No measurements, no tea or tablespoons… just the “toss in” technique. I let it all simmer for an hour or two, and then divvied up the enormous vat o’ soup into freezer bags for individual daily consumption.

I don’t usually test food while I’m cooking, knowing it tastes MUCH better on Day 2. Today, I broke out the soup for Meal 3 of 6, and YOWZA! I mean, DELICIOUS! Scrumptious! Exactly what I was going for! The beans and barley make it so hearty, and the mushrooms really add a thickness to the broth. Such a perfect meal.

Push over, Julia Child!

Day 158: That Old Familiar Feeling

Ah, obsession. Obsession with clean eating, meal planning, my BodyBugg… I wake up in the morning and have a need to check my stats. I am logging each and every meal and comparing what I eat to my expended calories. I weigh and measure each and every morsel.

The old familiar obsession that feels oh so normal.

Day 157: The Kick In the Ass That I Needed

You know, the proverb “Ask and You Shall Receive” is dead on. I was all confused and verklempt yesterday about what to do, how to do it, yadda yadda yadda… and then as soon as I finished blogging, the motivation flooded in. I checked my FB page, and there were all these posts from women on the Black Women Do Workout page, posting about their inspiration for losing weight and feeling their best. Then I scoot on over to ECD.com… tons and tons of “grasp the new year by the balls” posts from the awesome chicks on there. Talk about a kick in the ass!

And then… I proceeded to just do it. Eat right. Plug in and strap on the Body Bugg. Log my meals and count my calories. I mean, shit. What was so friggin’ hard about that? Why be confused? Y’all should have seen me – I was in here boiling 3 dozen eggs, defrosting tilapia, and making my famous strawberry/spinach/soy smoothie while crafting the perfect meal and exercise plan for my schedule. Easy as pie.

Sometimes, you just need a kick in the ass.

Day 156: Getting Back on the Proverbial Horse

Yeah. Okay. Let’s talk about me falling off the horse. Deep breath… but a quick story first.

The guy I’m dating is on an exercise mission. He’s so damn cute. We had been talking about how he was getting bored with the gym (which took him off his routine), and how a friend had recently set up a fitness bootcamp near his house. He switched to the bootcamp, added a cross-fit class, and now he’s hooked. He’s even got the “Lose It” app for his iPod Touch and is logging each and every meal, workout, drink… did I mention how cute he is? Friggin’ adorable.

But I digress.

His dedication to this path has me jealous, actually. Where he is is where I was just a little while ago. I’m even a little (okay, a lot) reluctant to read my own damn blog and see how focused I was. Between the BodyBugg obsession, the Power 90/rebound two-a-days, the clean eating fanaticism, I was in heaven. But now, I feel lost. I’m back at that place where I cannot wrap my head around what I am supposed to do… and that makes no sense, especially since I just typed out what I’m supposed to do! Sometimes, Carla, all I can do is shake my head at you.

I know the first step is blogging about my current state of confusion. Getting clarity by blogging daily will lead me back to my path of righteousness. I love that feeling of exercise obsession, but so much has happened in the last couple of weeks to knock me off my routine. How can an ingrained Virgo who salivates at the idea of all things quotidian and structural learn to “go with the flow” when things shift?

How do I get back to my heaven and keep that state, no matter what?

Day 155: My HCG Journey Wrap-Up

I remembered that I hadn’t fulfilled the promise of doing an HCG review after I finished the first round. My bad, people! I was in deep-seated emotional turmoil!

All-in-all, the HCG was a success. I lost 22 pounds and a little more than 8 inches in 40 days. I could have lost much more, but towards the end of the round, I was eating anything that was not nailed down. When I was following the protocol to the letter, I was losing about 1.25 pounds a day without hardship. Bliss, I tell you.

Here are some of the major discoveries I made while taking the drops:

1. I wasn’t as hungry as I thought I would be. 500 calories a day can be surprising (a.k.a. frighteningly impossible) to most people, but it wasn’t that hard. Yes, my stomach would grumble, but it was more of a notification of a bodily function instead of a call to dinner. Mostly, I just ignored it.

2. Just like when switching to clean eating, you have to be uber-prepared. Like, UBER, people. You do not want to be out in the world of fast-food and nonsense without a packed lunch tote. It was important to take the extra step of prepping my food each morning (or evening, depending) and setting my drops/food alarms on the trusty iPhone to ensure nothing was ever missed. You can tell my Virgo-like tendencies need that kind of structure.

3. The only major setback was not using products with oils while on the drops. I am a product JUNKIE, folks. There’s nothing my skin likes better than a good body butter, and, since growing my hair out, I’m all experimental when it comes to conditioners, pomades, and natural hair care. All that goes out the window on HCG. I mean, I’m sure there are people who still use the stuff, but I didn’t. I even switched to a natural deodorant and used Dove sensitive-skin soap as I wanted to leave nothing to chance. For my hair, I found an HCG-approved leave-in conditioner spray (Biolage) and used an aloe-based shine agent. For my skin, I used plain-old mineral oil. Yes, I walked around ashy for 40 days, but hey. No one said sacrifices weren’t necessary.

4. For someone who cherishes their bathroom “elimination” time, I was heartbroken by the amount of constipation I experienced. I’m now doing the Dr. Natura cleanse just to get my backed-up system back to normal. Ugh! That was THE biggest drawback for me. Not the 500 calories, not the lack of products with added shea butter… the lack of SHIT.

Again, basically, it was a success. I was willing to try it for 26 days, and then found that extending to the full 40 was worth it. It was hard as shit to take on the drops during the holidays, but I made it through semi-unscathed. In February, I’m going to do another 40 day round.

Day 121: Killing The Old Carla

Last night, I went to see the movie Black Swan.

A quick aside: Y’all may not know this about me, but I am a movie fanatic. No, really… I am one of those die-hard movie snobs that can name actors, recite what roles they have played in other movies, and connect them to OTHER actors in four movies or less. It’s sickening.

But I digress. The movie was phenomenal. Beautifully done… and the main character’s journey inspired a post.

Without giving the movie away (as I HATE when people do that), the main character has to go through a major transformation. The people around her, although they publicly cheer her on, truly want her to stay the same. This creates major conflict within her – do I remain the person I’ve been for years, or do I change?

Weight loss is like that. I remember thinking at the beginning of this whole thing that I have no idea what I would look like at a size 8. What does 100 lbs less of me look like? Feel like? Walk like? The 271-pound girl was scared of showing herself. She was scared of men, scared of her sexuality, scared of attention of any kind. The girl I want to be… the WOMAN I want to be is in there under all the fast-food, but I was too much of a pussy to let her out. What if she ruins my life? What if she gets all sassy or promiscuous or conceited? What if she gets too muscular or too thin or too obsessed…

See how the old me can spin fear like no one’s business?

The truth is, the old me was trying to kill the new me. It’s easier to hide behind the weight and the food than to actually, ACTUALLY make the required lifestyle changes to be something different. If I take the time to dissect all of my old excuses (conscious and subconcious) for not losing weight, it’s just noise. It’s total bullshit. And there may be people around me that prefer me fat. It validates their behavior, it makes them comfortable, or they may find me more attractive with poundage. It doesn’t matter – whether it’s their reasons or my own, it’s all crapola of the lowest caliber.

So, for me, the next part of the journey is entitled, “Killing the Old Carla”. It’s about me being more conscious than ever before and actually doing the exact opposite of what The Old Carla would do. Too lazy to workout? Fuck you, Old Carla! We’re in the gym or on the rebounder or Pressing Play RIGHT NOW! Anything to get that heart rate pumping! Feeling emotional and want to chow down on some Super-Sized french fries? Kick rocks, Old Carla! Let’s breathe and explore this feeling! Let’s stop, journal, meditate… something to fully feel and understand what’s happening! Friends invite you out to eat, and you think it’s an excuse to drink up and chow down? Hell to the Naw, TOC! Alcohol is empty calories! You get tasty water with lemon, and hey… that broiled salmon looks DELICIOUS!

It’s all about The New Carla. She has decided to lead the way.

Day 120: Pondering the Weight Loss Journey

I wrote this post on ECD.com today. Sometimes, we all need to be reminded of what the journey brings.

One of the great things about the KT is how supportive and encouraging everyone is to every part of the process, and trust me, weight loss is one helluva process to go through. Whether you have 10 pounds to lose or 100 pounds to release, it is extremely personal to each person, and it is a blessing to have someplace to come and talk about it. Here, we vent, we laugh, we cheer, we encourage. It’s a wonderful thing to have, and makes the process of losing weight easier. I am grateful to Tosca, to all those who maintain the site, and for all of you.

I took a couple of days to get quiet and think about the last few months and my own journey, and I had a thought or two that I wanted to share.

We talk about the fact that EC is a lifestyle change, and it most assuredly is. But so is weight loss. I am a believer that weight loss must be embarked upon with forethought and a clear head. When you choose to lose weight, you’re deciding to change the life you have been leading. The life where you used food as a crutch, as a “quick fix”, as the ultimate emotion repressor, as the substitute for… you name it. When you decide that you’ve had enough of the nonsense and decide to put yourself first and get rid of the pounds, you have to face that it may not be easy. We all have seen this and post about it daily – the external AND internal battle lines get drawn once you make the EC/weight loss choice. You have to fight your ingrained instincts to eat the last cookie as well as the outside influences that say eating that cookie makes you a part of the crowd.

To add more salt to the wound, you also have to start looking at WHY you put the weight on in the first place. The extra special treat with weight loss is having to face all those yummy emotions you repressed with food. “Now that I say McDonald’s isn’t allowed, how in the world will I deal with my heartbreak, my money problems, my road rage, my depression, my delusion…”, or all of the above? And it’s not just the repressed stuff; you think, “how will I breathe through the BS that gets tossed my way on the daily?” It’s in those moments that you turn away from your first instinct to sell your firstborn for a Krispy Kreme and decide to breathe through it and deal that you become strong. It may take time – I think we all fall at the beginning, and building that habit to resist diving for the candy corn take repetition and conscious choice. But eventually, you do it. You turn away from your past behavior and embrace the new choices. That’s when you know that it’s a lifestyle; when you choose not to use food as a substitute. That’s when you know that you have truly made the decision to not let food or stress or emotions rule you.

When you truly make the decision to deal with those things WITHOUT the food… that’s when you’re free.

Just a thought. :)